OK, I’ll stop now and proceed to the question:Ĭan you tell in each instance which is the dud caption? Below each cartoon are three sweet flowers, plus a sprig of crabgrass from yours truly. You spied a set of rings finely crafted by Tiffany, Cartier, and Harry Winston, to which I contributed a cigar band. If the judges at the New Yorker are to be believed, in each instance above you’ve encountered, amid the glorious sounds of three Stradivarius instruments, the raw bleat of a kazoo. “I strongly recommend that you read the fine print on this one.” “The heating system is pretty old but very reliable.” “According to the listing, there’s also a full basement.” “It’s just not funny if she looks so sexy.” “Lemme put it this way - when it comes to funny, me and you don’t see eye to eye.” “On what planet do you imagine this would be funny?” “I can fluff your pillow the easy way or the hard way.” We don’t take kindly to shampoo thieves.” “Oh, now you want to talk, when all week it was ‘Do Not Disturb.’” “This guy’s wife lets him drink on the plane!” “I don’t care if he’s single-celled, he should have bought two seats.” ![]() “Just a mild case of the sniffles, she says.” “Yeah, but the weirdest thing was, once he built it I suddenly felt compelled to give him a list of things to do around it.” ![]() “His heart is set on finding a vintage woolly Plymouth.” “Trust me, my lessons have way more real-world applications.” “Don’t worry-they’ll never actually build it.” ![]() “Lemme tell ya - and this is from personal experience - knowing how to roll over and play dead comes in much more handy. “You want to impress me? Drive to the store and get me more beer.” “We’ll have to run it by our infinite number of editors.” “This page - the one that begins, ‘Who’s there?’ - keep working on that.” “Have you considered writing this story in the third monkey rather than the first monkey?” See if you can spot the the one - mine - that somehow just doesn’t belong in the same class. Every set of four includes my own submission mixed in with the three finalists. Each stinging rejection was unfair.īelow are the seven initially silent cartoons, each followed by four captions suggested by contest entrants. Not one of my seven entries has been crowned with the laurels of finalist (for each contest three finalists are chosen), let alone winner. Seven times I have tried to get the New Yorker magazine to recognize my cartoon-caption-writing prowess.
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